vegas =

great friends
good times
+40 in gambling
le reve @ the wynn
the star trek experience @ the hilton
the buffet @ paris
rum jungle @ the mandalay bay
shopping @ aladdin
CES @ venetian & convention center

CES =

lots of free stuff!
i won a webcam, wooot!

Merry Christmas.

I hope your heart is as full as mine this holiday season.


It's been a long time since I've posted anything substantial... A lot of it has to do with the fact that my life's been so full of goodness that I completely forget to write anything here.

Anyhow, before I start.  I like to announce my 6th place victory in the Guild Wars Wintersday Art Contest.

I really am awesome beyond all others.

Another part my lack of blogging is that I tend to link writing really long and thoughtful blog entries during times of melancholy and grief. So I guess, no news can be good news on this end. =]

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Reflections
Warning, somewhat sobering stuff ahead

A lot of you already know that I've been struggling with bi-polar disorder for a few years now.  Luckily for me, I have doctors that don't give up on me, and friends that are supportive about my life choices.  I've been on the same medication for about five months now, and I'm beginning to realize things didn't have to be the way they were for so long.

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There are a lot of people who think that medication is a bad alternative and look down on it because it alters the mind.  I used to feel that way a lot of times too during the last few years when we tried the slew of different drugs that didn't work on me.

However, now that I've found something that works, I realize this:  If you find the right medicine for you, you really can come the real you without all the frustration and drama and sleepless nights and tears that come with it.

It's not as if I don't feel sad or upset whenever upsetting things happen.   It's not like I feel a false sense of security [which did happen on some medications, I won't lie].  It's not like I'm a zombie all the time, or I've lost my sense of creativity...

I've become just me.  The person I am and the person I always knew I was deep down somewhere.

Some people might not even notice a change in me... But I do, and I guess that makes all the difference.

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A few of you have written to me about your struggles with depression and other related things.  I know that it was probably really hard to reach out, and I'm glad you did and I hope that reading about my struggles and my trials and then ultimately my success has helped you with your own situation.  I hope you've taken my advice on the therapy and hope that you've started on your way to recovery.

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For those of you who are reading this, if you are ever feeling at the bottom of the barrel, I'm always here to listen. Sometimes it's just easier to talk to a stranger who's been there.

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Last of all...

I'd like to say that I'm extremely happy this year about my place in life, my friends, and my surroundings.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

It's an uncanny feeling, when you arrive at your destination and you have no memory of the drive home.

Auto-pilot is scary.

>_<

Love is a funny thing.  Just when you think your heart is full and you can't possibly love any more than you do, you find that you can, and you do.

I got the job I got the job!

I start next monday

First day of unemployment

For the first time in at least 5 years I'm unemployed.  I don't think I like this feeling of uncertainty very much.

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For those of you wondering why I'm in this situation:

I was neither laid off or fired, my current contract simply ended before I found a new job.

I actually am already waiting on a reply from a company,  I'll know within the next couple days... so this might actually be the only day I'm unemployed.

My current pay requirements and job requirements are a lot more specific than they used to be, now that I know more where I want to go with my career.

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I really hate the feeling of being unemployed, though. 

I don't like not having a choice.

Maybe I should go work at barnes & nobles or something instead of continuing in technology.
It  might be fun to be around books all day.

You don't realize what's dysfunctional,
until you experience what isn't.

Let me start this out with this:  for most of my life I've had a strong aversion to organized religion.   My mother is a devout buddhist, my brother is an Episcoplian priest.  Needless to say, this caused some rifts in my family.  Throughout my childhood, there were several instances where religion was a definite stresser.

It wasn't until this year in getting acquainted with my boyfriend's family that I've realized that it's really not the religion that causes strife, but the people themselves. 

I've had two serious relationships prior to this one, neither of them in families that are very religious.  While their families were very good to me, I have to admit that I never really felt like I belonged in them --even after more than two years in one case.

So you can imagine my reservations meeting my boyfriend's family, knowing that their religion is a very big part of their lives. I was afraid of what they would think of me, being completely out of their religious sphere. How wrong I was to worry about anything like that at all.  I've honestly felt more at home with his family than even my own. They truly make me feel like I'm accepted -- and though I never really thought it was something I wanted, it feels somehow like what I've been looking for.

And seriously, of all the families I've spent a lot of time in, theirs has been the one with the most love and laughter of all.

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Knowing this, feeling this, and experiencing this has made me really take a step back and look at my views on organized religion as a whole.

...And what I've somewhat come to realize is this:  it's not really race, or religion, or intelligence or borderlines that  create intolerance among people.  It's the people of these races, religions, intelligences and borderlines that cause the intolerance.

It's been said before, and I've probably said it myself...
But I don't think I ever really experienced the good side of  it until now.

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What are your religious beliefs?  How do they affect your family life?  Your day to day life?

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Obligatory photo:

No sick, No cry

Alright, so for all of you that were worried, I'm not dead [yet].   I'm finally better after blowing a bunch of caramel colored shit out of my sinuses.   It was awesome.

I also found out that the throwing up had a lot to do with the fact that I don't chew enough before I swallow.

Who knew?

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Thanksgiving Shit

The nice thing about being sick is that I lost about 5 lbs -- which I'm planning to gain back this weekend on Brent's mom's lumpia.

Yes, you heard it, I'm spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's family?  Why? Because my own family hates me.  It's OK, though, I'll get over it one of these years.

At least Brent's family seems to really like me.

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Spiritual Shit

After reading Life of Pi I've been plagued with a lot of spiritual questions.  Long talks with Brent and with a coworker of mine have lead me to realize a few things.

1. Many seemingly different religions have striking similarities that go further than moral standards.

2. I can't bring myself to believe or disbelieve anything because many stories remind me of the game 'telephone'.  Things get changed and warped little by little as time goes by.  Maybe they all stem one story from the past.  Maybe they were all made up.  Maybe one of them is totally true and everything else is lies.

Who am I to say what's the truth or not?  Young Pi believed in all of them simultaneously.  

I neither believe nor disbelieve, but I have to say, there are some religions that I do respect more than others.   Not necessarily because of  the beliefs of the religion itself, but more in the way that the members of that religion choose to practice their beliefs.

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Obligatory Photo
And since this entry's been somewhat dry... here's a picture for all you non-readers out there. =]
Brent seemed missing from this group picture so I pasted him in with the magic of photoshop.