So, today I signed for my own car insurance for the first time.
While the act itself isn’t such a big deal, it’s really had a hard
impact on me.

The end of the car insurance marks the end of any connection I have
with my immediate family [and by that, I mean mom and brothers]. At
least before this I’d get an email every 6 months telling me to pay my
mom. But no, here’s where it ends, with car insurance. Now, with
finality I can say, it’s unlikely I’ll ever speak to any of them again
in a long, long time.

The last time I was with everyone, Christmas 2005   Emancipation

There’s a certain loneliness that comes with being disowned by the
people who raised you. Moreso than that, though, is a sense of complete
failure.

You grow up hearing that families are supposed to stick together no
matter what. Even my own family said that. Growing up, my mom would
always say “Your friends will go away, but we as a family will always
be there for each other”.

I guess what she failed to mention is that I would only be accepted
by my family if I didn’t make any of my own choices. And beyond that,
as long as I didn’t make any mistakes. Oh, and as long as I never, ever
made amends with my father.

It really tears me apart inside knowing that my family doesn’t
really care that I’ve put my life back together piece by piece. And
that they don’t really see any difference between the person that I am
now and the insane drug-addicted bi-polar run person I was before I
started my life over. All they can see is that I’m fat, ugly, and not
doing what they tell me to do.

I know the changes I’ve made in my life have been the right ones,
but it’d be really nice if I could get validation from my own family.

Hardened

You would think that after a year of being completely severed from
my mother and brothers, I wouldn’t still seek their approval and
kinship. But I do. Recently, I’ve tried to reach out a few times. Most
notably prior to my baptism. I wanted to make sure I went into it
without any regrets.

Other than the anti mormon literature, my family pretty much ignored my attempts to rekindle any kind of relationship.

It hurts, but I guess I can move on.

My father

I’ve mentioned my mom and my brothers several times in this entry.
You may be wondering where my dad was this whole time. My dad was out
of my life for over 13 years, and we only met each other again about a
year ago. So, I only recently became acquainted my father with that
side of my family.

My dad actually did, in fact, attend my baptism. Which meant a lot
to me, actually. Him and his side of the family, my uncle and my
cousins have been accommodating in every way.

I love my dad, from what I remember of him, but aside from familial
care, it’s very difficult for me to accept my new family into my heart.
At times it’s almost painful to be with them, for as happy as they are
to see me every time, and as happy as I am to have a group of people
accept me as their own, it’s really not the same, because I didn’t grow
up with them.

Car insurance

So, as I was saying, today I purchased my own car insurance for the
first time. With it came all these feelings. I’m sure for most it’s
just something that has to be done, and nothing more. But this time,
right here, this simple life task makes me feel so heavy I feel like
I’m going to sink into the floor.

My heart hurts so much, I can barely breathe.

I’ll end this with the last words I heard:

“I hope I never hear about you or think about you again until I die. Just the thought of you makes me suffer”

Oh mom, you hurt me too. More than you’ll ever know — because if you
did, I don’t think you would have treated me the way you have all these
years.

This was originally posted at http://daily.madpimp.com

I recently archived all of my blogs together into one
[http://daily.madpimp.com]. Totaling in at 1795 entries at the time of
archiving, I realized how much of myself I’ve put out there for people
to see. I’ve been going through the archives every once in a while,
just to reminisce and get that weird feeling in my chest that can only
be nostalgia.

I miss the days that I could just write anything I wanted, wear all
my feelings on my sleeve. I miss the words flowing from my fingers,
quickly, easily.

Where did my words go?

---

Originally posted at http://daily.madpimp.com

Skepticism


For those of you who don’t know me, or hadn’t heard the news, I recently converted into the Church of Latter-Day Saints.

There are a few who have expressed their skepticism towards my
sudden religious conversion — especially since only a few months
before, I was struggling with the matter of religion in general.

Stigma

There’s a certain stigma about the Mormon church. I’ve heard
interesting stories from the other members of the church about the
types of things people have misconstrued about them because of their
faith.

My own brother, an Episcopalian priest, tried to persuade against my
baptism, calling the church a ‘cult’ and sending me anti-Mormon
literature. (What’s interesting is that I had already read all of those
pages before deciding to convert… Ah, good ole google and wikipedia.)


Faith

There’s not much that I can say towards the skepticism or towards
the people who have strange ideas about what the LDS church is like,
but I can assure you that I do believe in the church. Not to say that I
don’t have questions from time to time, or that I know everything there
is to know about it.

All I know is that when I’m there, it feels right. When I pray, it
feels right. When I learn about the teachings of the prophets, it feels
right. More so than with any other form of organized religion I’ve
encountered.

At the end of the day, what more can I rely upon when it comes to spiritual reasoning?

Originally posted at http://daily.madpimp.com/.

My Anniversary
It feels longer and shorter at the same time

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary with Brent.  It was an amazing night, celebrating and even more amazing year.  Like him, I'll spare you the lovey dovey stuff -- I just want to say this: It's great to be in love.

---

Anniversaries

I never realized until this relationship how much an anniversary date means. 

In the past
In my last long term relationship there was no particular "day" that was set.  It was partially due to the fact that the courting period was so long, it was hard to see where the dating part ended and the actual relationship began.  Another part of it, at least in my opinion, was that the person from my previous relationship had somewhat of a commitment issue -- if we had set a date, he would have looked at each landmark in an apprehensive way -- especially when the numbers got bigger. [According to some friends, this pattern had been shown in a previous relationship, so I wasn't big on pushing a 'date']

I think the idea behind not having a date is great, you're supposed to be celebrating your relationship all the time, randomly, whenever you want etc. etc.  But in reality, that doesn't happen.  After a while, you just take the relationship for granted. Similar to Communism, the idea is awesome, but it's not really practical to implement.

Currently
What's awesome and great about my current relationship with Brent is that because we have a date, we have a cause to celebrate once a month.  It's not really the number of months that we celebrate, but the day itself.  Also, while we are happily together all the time, it's nice to slow down for a bit each month and recognize that happiness amidst all of our daily stressors.  Similar to church, as devout as you may be, if you don't slow down to appreciate everything given to you it's easier to take things for granted.

It's also great to have a date because it's like an "official" agreement towards starting a monogamous relationship with the other person.

When someone asks, I can say with confidence "We've been together for more than a year now."

Instead of something along the lines of "Well, I've been committed for maybe a year now, but he might tell you eight months or so, I'm not sure, it's how you view it"

Just not as satisfying to me, personally.

---

Do you think a date is important?
Or, do you consider it somewhat of a "label" that's not really needed?

Gift to myself

So many things in my life have changed since this time last year.   On the day I turned 24, I said to Brent, "I don't feel like I'm any different now compared to yesterday".  In response, he remarked that it was normal to feel that way, since I had only aged a single day between the time I was 23 to the time I was 24.  

It's when you look at yourself that same day a year ago that you realize how much you've changed.

I have to say that I'm in a much better place now than I was last year... And that is probably one of the best birthday gifts I could have given myself.

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Gifts from friends

On the more materialistic side, though... I did receive an AWESOMEEEEE All-in-one scanner/printer/fax/copier combo from my friends that I am sure to make tons and tons of use out of.  Just wait, you'll see my ugly drawings pasted everywhere soon enough.  

I also received a second wii-mote! Yay, now I can play with friends!

Last and not least, I received a nerf gun.  BITCHES!

(Oh yeah, and thank you Eric for the box of tissues. :T)

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Gift from the Boyfriend

From Brent I received one of the best gifts of all time -- a song completely made for me.  Wow! He sang all the parts, and played all the guitar and mixed them all together himself.    I seriously cried listening to this song.  I'm such a sap!

And my boyfriend is so talented! Neener!

.. I think Brent must have known I have a serious weakness to songs written for me for my birthday. (click link to hear the song I received last year.) He was in the car with me last year when I listened to this song for the first time. Haha. To this day it still makes me laugh

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So, thank you everyone who showed up for my birthday party. You guys are awesome, can't ask for more.

Until next time.  

Kim.

It's been a while since I've given an update of my life. 

Here are some things that might interest you:

I just turned 24 on March 16th

I'm now officially Mormon

I moved from Garden Grove to Costa Mesa, almost doubling my rent but loving my new place

So.. age, religion, living situation...

Needless to say, an eventful time.

Forgive me for not writing much as of late.

It's very difficult for him to eat them.

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Porn movie causes trouble for two men

One man's viewing pleasure was the cause of another man's alarm just before noon Feb.
11.Let's just say it was not your typical Sunday morning.

According to the police report, officers were
called to a residence in the 100 block of North Main Street after a man
kicked in his neighbor's door and threatened him with a sword. The
caller said the subject lived downstairs with his mother.

Police
made contact with the neighbor, a 39-year-old man, who told them he
heard a woman screaming from upstairs and feared she was being sexually
assaulted.

The subject said he grabbed the 39-inch sword, went
upstairs and kicked in the door to investigate. He repeatedly asked his
neighbor "Where is she?" and made him open a closet, and searched the
apartment looking for a woman in distress.

The victim told his
neighbor, and later showed police the evidence, that the noise came
from a pornographic movie he was watching.

According to the police
report, the subject said he got the sword from his father, who had it
in the armed forces. There was German writing etched on the blade of
the sword.

The victim said he was fearful for his safety and was afraid the he would be stabbed during the incident.
Police are seeking charges of second-degree reckless endangerment of
safety, criminal trespassing, criminal damage to property and
disorderly conduct against the 39-year-old Oconomowoc man.

See article here.