May 12, 2007

• Car Insurance

  So, today I signed for my own car insurance for the first time.
  While the act itself isn’t such a big deal, it’s really had a hard
  impact on me.

  The end of the car insurance marks the end of any connection I have
  with my immediate family [and by that, I mean mom and brothers]. At
  least before this I’d get an email every 6 months telling me to pay my
  mom. But no, here’s where it ends, with car insurance. Now, with
  finality I can say, it’s unlikely I’ll ever speak to any of them again
  in a long, long time.

  
  The last time I was with everyone, Christmas 2005   Emancipation

  There’s a certain loneliness that comes with being disowned by the
  people who raised you. Moreso than that, though, is a sense of complete
  failure.

  You grow up hearing that families are supposed to stick together no
  matter what. Even my own family said that. Growing up, my mom would
  always say “Your friends will go away, but we as a family will always
  be there for each other”.

  I guess what she failed to mention is that I would only be accepted
  by my family if I didn’t make any of my own choices. And beyond that,
  as long as I didn’t make any mistakes. Oh, and as long as I never, ever
  made amends with my father.

  It really tears me apart inside knowing that my family doesn’t
  really care that I’ve put my life back together piece by piece. And
  that they don’t really see any difference between the person that I am
  now and the insane drug-addicted bi-polar run person I was before I
  started my life over. All they can see is that I’m fat, ugly, and not
  doing what they tell me to do.

  I know the changes I’ve made in my life have been the right ones,
  but it’d be really nice if I could get validation from my own family.

  Hardened

  You would think that after a year of being completely severed from
  my mother and brothers, I wouldn’t still seek their approval and
  kinship. But I do. Recently, I’ve tried to reach out a few times. Most
  notably prior to my baptism. I wanted to make sure I went into it
  without any regrets.

  Other than the anti mormon literature, my family pretty much ignored my attempts to rekindle any kind of relationship.

  It hurts, but I guess I can move on.

  My father

  I’ve mentioned my mom and my brothers several times in this entry.
  You may be wondering where my dad was this whole time. My dad was out
  of my life for over 13 years, and we only met each other again about a
  year ago. So, I only recently became acquainted my father with that
  side of my family.

  My dad actually did, in fact, attend my baptism. Which meant a lot
  to me, actually. Him and his side of the family, my uncle and my
  cousins have been accommodating in every way.

  I love my dad, from what I remember of him, but aside from familial
  care, it’s very difficult for me to accept my new family into my heart.
  At times it’s almost painful to be with them, for as happy as they are
  to see me every time, and as happy as I am to have a group of people
  accept me as their own, it’s really not the same, because I didn’t grow
  up with them.

  Car insurance

  So, as I was saying, today I purchased my own car insurance for the
  first time. With it came all these feelings. I’m sure for most it’s
  just something that has to be done, and nothing more. But this time,
  right here, this simple life task makes me feel so heavy I feel like
  I’m going to sink into the floor.

  My heart hurts so much, I can barely breathe.

  I’ll end this with the last words I heard:

  “I hope I never hear about you or think about you again until I die. Just the thought of you makes me suffer”

  Oh mom, you hurt me too. More than you’ll ever know — because if you
  did, I don’t think you would have treated me the way you have all these
  years.

  This was originally posted at http://daily.madpimp.com

  • 4:18 am
  • 26 Comments